To Courtney, On Motherhood

My dear BFSC Courtney became a mom a few days ago,
so this post is dedicated to her.
(Disclaimer: This is not intended to be an advice or 'how-to' post, because, as luck would have it, my whole four years experience as a mom does not actually qualify me as an expert. . . . shocking, right? This is more just a collection of rambling thoughts that I figured would be fun to share on such a happy occasion.)

One of my favorite quotes about motherhood is from author Elizabeth Stone: "Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." (I'm sure you've discovered this already Courtney). The unconditional love that fills my heart when I look at my sweet sons is at times overwhelming. I so badly want to protect them from the world - not necessarily the 'scariness' of the world; hopefully I can raise them to handle that - but more so from being hurt or embarrassed or sad or scared. And then I think about my sweet, sweet mom and how these must be her feelings towards my brothers and myself . . . and how I don't give her enough credit at all. Definitely sorry for the various wretched things I've said over the years, I love you Mama!! And then I think about our Heavenly Father and how the intense feelings of love and worry I feel towards my boys are only a faint impression of His love for all of us - talk about overwhelming.

It also can be overwhelming to ponder how Heavenly Father has entrusted these sweet spirits to us to raise, with the same love and tender care He would show (and does). And although there's a laundry list of areas where I need to improve in relation to my kids (probably with laundry near the top of said list) one thing that I'm pretty proud about is my conscious effort to be positive in talking to and about Clyde and Will. There are definitely days when I think I'm going to go crazy and need to vent, and Chuck and I do (affectionately!) call our sons 'turdmunchers' on occasion, but ultimately (as is true in any relationship) I feel more love and compassion toward my children when I try to feel more love and compassion towards them. Along these lines is my resolve never to yell at my boys. There's a quote from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland from General Conference a couple of years ago that I re-read on a regular basis: "We must be careful in speaking to a child. What we say or don't say, how we say it and when is so very, very important in shaping a child's view of himself or herself. But it is even more important in shaping that child's faith in us and their faith in God. Be constructive in your comments to a child - always."

The beauty of being a parent is that we don't have to be perfect right away; as long as that unconditional love is present we are able to continuously improve and be better. And little children return that unconditional love so purely that it serves as constant motivation to be better/kinder/wiser stewards over them. There's nothing better in the world than Clyde (semi-) defiantly telling me that he's never going to get married because he just wants to live with me forever, or Will running to me when he's hurt or scared to snuggle and be comforted.

It's not a secret (at least I hope not) how much I love being a mom. It is absolutely challenging and stressful and tiring but overwhelmingly rewarding and wonderful. I think at times it's tempting as moms to take children/motherhood for granted, and the isolation and monotony that often accompany being a stay-at-home mom can be extremely discouraging. However, I am also keenly aware of women who would give anything to be a mother or women who have lost a child or children, and if there's a more effective reminder to be grateful for and cherish my own children, I don't know what it is. I am also conscious of the necessity of taking care of oneself before one can take care of others. I rely heavily on my husband, my mom and other family members, my friends (both in person and via facebook and blogs) for advice, breaks, commiseration, reassurance, perspective, etc. And mostly, I rely on my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ, who know my children so much more than I even do and are able and willing to help me be the mom I need to be.

So, this definitely turned into a much more serious (and religious) post than I originally intended, but what are you going to do? And I know that as soon as I hit 'publish' I'll think of ten more things I wanted to say and seven better ways to say what I already said, but that's okay :). My main point is that motherhood is amazingly wonderful and so, so worth it!!

Court, I am so so excited for you and I know you're already an amazing mom and I absolutely cannot wait to meet baby Chase. Love you!!